A desperado asks: Our marriage has been dead for years but when I finally asked for a divorce, my husband started begging, pleading and even trying to guilt me into going to counseling to save it. I don’t want to, we are way past that and it is over. I just want to move on with my life. Help!
First of all, I am so sorry! It is hard enough to make a huge decision like this and then to be bullied for it. That is not cool, definitely bad break-up behaviour.
Seems simple, but a relationship takes two people to succeed. If one is not invested, for whatever reason, that fucker is going to fail. Mark my words. Sounds like this has been a long time coming, at least for you, and your mind is made up. It is ok to own that. Nobody can make you go to couples’ counselling if you know in your heart of hearts that it is over. If you were feeling somewhat indecisive, then talking to a therapist (alone and together) might be a reasonable step to take, but I’m not hearing that from you. It is ok to just keep telling your husband no and don’t feel you have to justify it either. “My decision is no and that is final”. Eventually he will get the message. Or not, but stick to your guns.
All of that being said, some individual counselling for you might be really beneficial. Even though you are confident in your decision to divorce, there will be some rough waters and challenging feelings ahead. It might help to have someone to help you process all of that while you navigate it. Friends and family are helpful here too, but a professional, uninvolved 3rd party can allow you to be really transparent about everything. And, hopefully, help you make sense of what went wrong, what went right and what you can learn from your marriage. A little bit of ex-bashing with your best friend might feel therapeutic in the short term, but carry that on long term and you run the risk of becoming bitter, not better.
No way around it, break-ups are hard. Even when they are a long time coming and they feel right. The fallout tends to drag out a bit and can be an emotional roller coaster. You may feel strong and resolved at one point and then sad, regretful and ready to take them back the next. My advice is to stick to your decision no matter what. If something big enough comes up or builds up to trigger a break up, listen to it and don’t go back to them. Maybe I’ve got it all wrong, but through personal experience and much observation, I have yet to see it work out where getting back together was the right answer once the decision to split up was made. Sorry, just calling it like I see it.
