This is why you should take the time to work on yourself before diving (back) into the dating pool. You want a healthy partner and the only way to attract one of those is to get healthy yourself. And once you are one of those healthy people, those less healthy individuals (no matter how attractive) will look less appealing.
I can speak to this from a personal perspective: Once my deteriorating marriage finally collapsed, I spent a fair amount of time reflecting about where I had gone wrong in that relationship and healing some old wounds so I wouldn’t drag that shit into the next relationship. Once I got my stuff sorted, there was no way in hell I was going to let anyone into my life who might fuck up my scene. They were going to be a great fit and add to my life or I would remain on my own with my battery-operated tools or Mr Rightnow to keep me company thankyouverymuch! This attitude led me to create my checklist of what I wanted in an ideal partner with whom I would consider opening the door to a relationship. This kept me focused while dating and less likely to get sidetracked into a relationship by someone who didn’t measure up in ALL the areas. It took discipline, but it worked.
If you’ve got shit to sort out (we all do), then get busy. What can you learn from your last relationship or your last 10? Are there repetitive mistakes? Do you always choose the “wrong” person? Or allow them to choose you? Do you have mommy or daddy issues affecting your partner choices? Are you looking for someone to “fix” what is wrong with your life? Ask yourself why these things are true and figure it out! Get therapy, read some self-help books, ask Dr Google – whatever it takes to get healthy. That is step number one in your future relationship success.
Step 2 is to focus your attention on building the life you want, right now, without a partner. You read that right. Time for some tough love: when you become more discerning (a very good thing), you have to face it that an acceptable partner may never come along. That sounds depressing, but stay with me – if you spend time fixing up your own life, you will not feel as desperate to find love and potentially make bad partner decisions. You will already be thriving in your own damn life and satisfied enough with that to hold out not just for good, but for a great partner. Worst case scenario – even if you never find a partner, the time spent on yourself will not be wasted. That’s an investment in YOU.
